*I used the fantastic girls who were in my wedding party as my examples in this post. 🙂 Also, don’t judge me by my 4th grade glasses!
Less than a year ago, I moved from my home state of California to Northern Colorado. A lot of my good friends from elementary, middle, and high schooI still live near our home town. Living in CA, I was able to see them fairly often. Now, living several states away, I obviously don’t see those friends at all. What to do? What to do? I know! I’ll make new friends (not to replace the old ones!) Easy, right? Nope, not so much!
I discussed in the post “How To Meet Moms: Entering the Mommy Dating Scene” that it is difficult to make the first move to become mommy friends. This post definitely relates to that post, but is not only specific to moms– it is specific to anyone who wants friends. 🙂
I realized when I moved here that it would take years to build friendships like I had at home. Deep friendships are deeply rooted in solid memories which take time to build– I get that, and I’m not trying to rush things. However, when thinking about why it takes so much longer as an adult than as a child to find someone you could be close friends with, I had an epiphany.
As a child, you can generally just find someone who is the same genderand age as you. You hang out with them at school and possibly on the weekends at times and you automatically grow close to them. I have the same best friend as I did in Kindergarten. Why did we become so close? Well, in Kindergarten, she approached me on the playground and formally asked me if I would be her best friend. No, really, she came up and said, “Do you want to be best fwends?” I obliged, and here we are today! We lived in California until we were 29 when we both moved to Colorado with our families. We only went to school together from K-5th grade. After that, we were in completely separate schools, and during my military career– completely separate parts of the country or world– but we stayed incredibly close! I also have close friends from middle school, high school, and college whom I’ve stayed close to. How were we able to simply make the decision that we would be great friends and it actually come to fruition?
Here are my thoughts:
AS A CHILD/YOUNG ADULT
As children, we hadn’t set into OUR way of doing things, and our thoughts were still very moldable. We didn’t have strong political, religious, or child-raising views. We didn’t have a five-, ten-, or twenty-year plan that we needed someone to fit into. We also didn’t judge one-another based on weight, economic status, accent, ethnicity, word-usage, education, profession, likes/dislikes, nutrition, children’s behavior, etc. Lastly, we had a ton of time to build friendships without the stresses that come with adult responsibilities!
As children, we saw the other person as someone like us: a kid. We played together and built interests together. Even if we had different interests, we were much more likely to appreciate the other person’s interests. For example, Jenn loved horseback riding, and I loved singing in choir; Lindsay was very academic and I majored in one of the least traditionally academic majors; Kelly loved math, and I loved photography; Karielle was patient
and I… wasn’t, and Ashley actually enjoyed running while I only ran for fitness purposes. As friends, we would support one another by going to each other’s events, but we didn’t look at each other with jealousy because of each other’s talents in our respective areas. We loved each other as we were, and even more notable, we helped each other develop into the people we are today.
In elementary school, middle school, high school, and college we had a limited number of people in which to develop friendships with. Because of this narrower scope of options, we either were just friends out of convenience or we chose people who we would like to spend time with and/or be like. Jenn is fun and always lifts my spirits, Lindsay is sensible and gives great advice, Kelly is ambitious and incredibly generous, Karielle is gentle and compassionate, and Ashley is goal-oriented and humble. However, the friendships I built while in school added on to who I am as a person– the way I now raise my children, my likes and dislikes, my goals, etc.
AS AN ADULT
As an adult, we have already had so many influences in our lives. We have constructed in our minds who we want to be and how we want to come across to others. We often have very strong likes and dislikes, and we often have strong views regarding politics, religion, how to raise children, how a house should be maintained, etc. Not only that, we’ve been exposed to painful experiences, triumphs, etc., all which aided in forming us into who we are today. To find someone who fits into a mold that will compliment the adult us is HARD! Either you have to be open-minded and accept another person exactly how they are (and they have to do the same,) or you have to find someone who is similar enough for you to have commonalities between you, and not too similar to bug the heck out of you!
As an adult, we judge one another a lot more, and we have more to judge each other on: home, food choice, how they raise their children, what they do with their spare time, if they work or not, what they wear, if they are religious/spiritual, the friends they spend their time with, etc. Lastly, we have so little time as adults with work, kids, hobbies, spouses, etc.
SO, WHAT TO DO?
I’m not sure! You tell me! 🙂
My problem is the busy aspect. I stay too busy and am involved in so many things that I don’t have a ton of time for one particular group of people or for individuals. That’s sad! I guess one way to start growing close to the people you are attracted to (not physically, Crazy, but personality-wise) is by being able to spend more time with them… and friending them on Fb. You’ll know why I said that if you watch the video below. 😉
And, just for fun… a video on how to make friends:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0StWKhJQscM&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3]
Simply perfect! You always come up with the best topics and actually speak about what everyone is thinking! Love you girl!
You look great with a heart on your cheek. 😉
Darcy, I too have written about this on my blog…it is super hard to make mom friends. You have to find the perfect tri-fecta….You and the Mom like each other, your kids like each other and are around the same ages (and gender cause it kinda starts to matter as they get older), and finally eventually your husbands/partners like each other. It will happen, but it takes so much time, and in the mean time you are very very lonely. I met a wonderful person in town, we clicked, our kids clicked, our husband’s clicked…then they announced a 3rd pregnancy and a move out of state to be closer to family. I was devastated…I went home and cried and cried and cried. I still miss them terribly, but I did make another friend. And for the most part she has helped fill that void, but nothing is like the bestie of bests from childhood. We can only hope that our children will meet someone just like that.
Totally true about the trifecta. Good way of putting it! I didn’t know you had a blog! I’ll visit.
We never became close friends but i will remember you always as my tent mate on deployment and for lunch dates in Pendleton. I agree completely with your post. We don’t have kids yet, but being newly married i feel the same. Being single and living the life of a bachelorette you can find friends more easily. In the last year I have met dozens of people I really like but haven’t yet made the Friend connection. Im sure you will though and hope they become life long besties too.
Not to mention, it’s hard to make close (long-lasting) friends in the military, because of the moves and attrition. I always wanted to hang out with you more on deployment, but I was impossible, because we worked such long hours. We had a blast going around taking pics toward the end of our time there, though, and I have the pictures to prove it. Kitty cat, us all on our respective toilets, in front of the base sign… 🙂