After reading Trolling for Mom Friends: Where is Match.com for Moms? on one of my favorite blogs, The Leaking Boob, I remembered how I felt after I had my first. Whether you stay at home or work full-time, it can be lonely in early mom-hood! Your friends might have older kids or haven’t even ventured into pregnancy yet. Who can you call to bounce ideas off of, when your little one has a scary case of the sniffles (because every cough, sneeze, or sniffle is looked at as a possible ER visit, right?), or just to talk to when you’re lonely?
This is a very real and lonesome time for many moms, because they don’t know where to go or how to go about meeting other moms.
Here are a few tips:
1) Go to the park, indoor play area, or other free-play site and strike up a conversation with another mom.
It WILL feel like you might have felt approaching a dating prospect for the first time (if you’ve ever done so). You will be nervous with your palms sweaty and heart racing. You will feel like you are walking through water to get to her as you are trying to figure out how to present your first sentence to this possible new friend. Finally, when the current takes you to her position you will do your best not to stare at her (or worse: at her children) in silence while you try to remember the “pick-up line” you pre-planned. When you finally get it out and take the big leap to actually sit next to her on the bench, you will be surprised at how smoothly the conversation goes… most of the time. If she doesn’t provide much conversation, abandon her and move on. If the conversation goes well and you think you’d like to meet up with her and her kids again, you just have to do it… you just have to jump right in and ask her for her number! This can be just as nerve-racking as asking that prospective date for their number. You don’t want them to give you a fake one! You don’t want to feel rejected if they say, “no”! But, if you want to have a chance at building a lasting friendship, you just have to ask. You can also pre-plan another play date for the near future or for the same time the next week. You will meet people slowly this way, but it is a good way of finding a variety of personalities, finding moms with kids the same age, and even finding someone you can quickly establish a deep one-on-one friendship with.
2) Search groups online: There are several online sources that can help you discover ways to befriend other moms.
–Search engines: search for “mom group [insert your city name here]”. When I searched this way for mom’s groups in my city, I see 7 different specific groups on the first page, as well as a few other links I can use to search within (Big Tent, Meetup.com, and group therapy options for moms).
–Search Meetup.com: This site has information about many groups in your area. You don’t have to stop at just searching for moms’ groups! You can also become part of a Pirate Lovers group, a Board Games Meetup, or swingers clubs. Ok, ok… I suggest you start and stop with searching for mom’s groups!
–Search BigTent.com: This site is a lot like Meetup.com, but will have a different selection of groups. The two groups in my area that are part of larger, international organizations use BigTent. The few that are locally-originated groups use Meetup.com.
–Search Facebook: There are several groups that use only Facebook as their means of advertising upcoming play dates. Again, search for “moms’ group [your
city]” or even just “moms [your city]” and other variations (“mama”, “momma”, “kids”, “babies”, etc.).
–Search for or call local churches to see if they hold any moms’ groups (i.e. Mothers of Preschoolers, or MOPS).
3) Go to organized classes: Take your little one to Gymboree, Stroller Strides, Parks and Recreation classes, classes given by the local music or toy store, or story time at the library. Although these classes don’t always allow for long conversations during the class, you do have the chance to interact before and after. To establish rapport during the class, you can comment on how cute or silly another mom’s child is. The key is to be authentic! If you like her shoes, say so. If you think her child is funny, say so, but make sure you are genuine. Your motives will be evident, and no one wants to build a relationship with someone they don’t trust.
Groups: Moms groups can be very diverse. As I previously mentioned, some are part of a greater International organization and some were founded locally. There are pros and cons to both. This list is not exhaustive, and it also does not apply to all groups, but it should give you a good idea of where you’ll want to start looking for mommy friends. I belong to both types of groups and I love both! Please click on the picture to zoom in.
How to handle mom-to-mom rejection: It’s important to take rejection from other moms and let it slide off your back. They, too, have a lot going on — maybe they are consumed by their thoughts. It’s also very possible they are just as nervous as you are. Lastly, they might feel overwhelmed adding another friend into their circle, especially if they work, have post-partum depression, have family issues, etc. It’s NOT because you are not likable or because your baby looks like a troll. You are both beautiful! Move on to someone more friendly and open.
Lastly, be yourself and be confident in that! You are so lucky to be a mom, and sharing that joy with other moms creates a deep connection. When in a group, avoid gossip and stray from groups that spend their time tearing each other down behind closed doors. Instead, lift one another up and support one another. This will foster the environment to establish a rock-solid group of moms you can stay connected to for a long time to come.
How true!!!!
I wouldn’t say that I have ever made friends easily. I have tended to be shy initially, and become more at ease once I have gotten to know people a little better. As a result I have often come off as reserved, serious, or even intimidating. Which is not me! When I make friends I tend to make fewer, very committed friendships. I love my friends intensely, and I feel very comfortable with them…….But how do you find friends?
When I first moved back to Colorado, and for the first time to Fort Collins, I asked myself this question. I had had limited and unsuccessful experience with a meetup group in the last city, but I thought it might be worth a try to find another one here.
I remember one day sitting on a bench with another woman, as our kids played together. We exchanged pleasentries and ages and names of our children. But when I asked her name, I got a weird reaction. She reacted as though I desired to know her bra size or credit card numbers, and asked me why I wanted to know. I was so taken a back that I stuttered that I was new in town and just trying to meet other moms. Well apparently I didn’t come across very well at all, despite my reserved friendly demeanor.
Determined never to experience that again, I focused on developing my meet up group. I spent months agonizingly trying to meet people, but for the first 6 months or so I only had a hand full of people who even showed up for events. I was stood up more times then I can count, went out of my comfort zone to instigate conversation with women who spoke barely two words. I spent months showing up to places hoping to meet other moms, only to return home feeling lonely and rejected.
Finally, I started to notice that there were larger numbers of moms who seemed genuinely interested in meeting and making friends. I noticed more and more women putting in the same amount of effort to converse and interact. I finally started to meet women that seemed interested in getting to know me as well. Then came the hard part….
It’s bad enough just finding women that you seem to connect with, but then you have to make the jump from “Hey, you seem nice” to “Wanna be friends?” You start giving them more information about yourself, and attempt to learn who they are. You reveal information, likes and dislikes, and hope that you are not brutally rejected. You’ve put so much energy towards this person already, and you want so desperately for them to be a future friend, that you dread the moment of realized incompatibility.
In this process I found all of the ways that we judge each other, and then discovered why it is so difficult to make friends once you become a mom. It’s just like dating, only you are trying to date with children. You want your children to like them, and visa versa. You need to know that this is someone that you would trust with your child (which most moms decide on based on how the other mom parents their own child). This causes obvious pitfalls, but is almost unavoidable.
I found myself inviting women over, and then waiting for an invite into their home (as a sign that they were equally as interested). I would text, and then worry when I didn’t hear back immediately. Email was the same way. I would find myself talking to my husband about whether I thought a particular mom seemed to like me, as though I were back in high school again talking to a girlfriend about my latest crush.
And even 6 months into some mommy friendships I suddenly worry that I have shared too much, or scared one off. It remains a constant stress, and as a result I started introducing more MNOs simply because it seemed to relax all of the moms, and allow us to get to know each other better. It has taken over a year to establish mommy friendships in a new place, and it has been a hard, stressful road.
I had to venture outside of my comfort zone, and put in a TON of work to get here. And I am only at the very beginning of actually becoming what I would call friends with these women, but it is all worth it in the end. I now have a group of amazing women who I see becoming very good friends with. But the “mommy dating” doesn’t end with getting their number. It’s a long often stressful dance, but the key is just to keep trying. Keep meeting people. Because eventually to you will find a kindred spirit, or in my case…..many! 😉
And folks, that was “How to Meet Moms: Entering the Mommy “Dating” Scene, Part 2″! Thank you, Kate. I really appreciate your honesty. That’s what this site is all about! Great job pointing out follow-up points I didn’t hit upon. I enjoyed reading, and can relate!