I’m sure by now, most of you have heard the hilarious rant by 31-year-old Ava Neyer regarding the trials a mom faces when trying to find a solution for her baby’s sleeping issues. If not, I’ve pasted it below. Her concept is that one source says this, another says that — both have conducted research to back their claims, and they contradict one another! What, then, should a mom do?
How irritating is it that we can’t get a straight answer, that there IS no answer (or at least not a universal right answer), and that you have to search and search just to discover that?
Arguably even more irritating: the fact that some moms become attached to a certain method and convince themselves that this is the only way to do it and those who do otherwise are fools! Between moms, the contradictions are just a vast as the ones the “experts” put out. The difference is that moms can be incredibly cut-throat and unforgiving to fellow moms, causing a great divide between the community of moms that should really be banning together in support of one-another.
Why do we openly judge?
-Is it because we are trying to selflessly save other moms from the heartache of investing their time and emotions in the wrong method?
-Is it because we truly believe that there is only one way to create good sleeping habits in babies?
-Or, is it because we want to validate our choices?
——-
The following are real quotes paired in contradictions:
(1) In response to Ferber’s Method:
“…it is equivalent to child abuse.” [a comment on What to Expect]
“Crying it out is the best method for getting a fussy baby to sleep.” [a comment on Fb]
“…a barbaric damaging and utterly disgusting way of so called parenting.” [a comment on What to Expect]
“All [those who don’t use Ferber’s method] know is how to teach their babies bad habits with dependancy issues or teach their child to eventually become a manipulater.” [a comment on What to Expect]
“If theyre exhaused but your too afraid to let them cry [their manipulation is] going to get worse and worse.” [a comment in Circle of Moms]
“Crying it out is the hardest on the momma but it usually works the quickest…” [a comment on Fb]
(2) In response to co-sleeping:
“…is the only human approach.” [a comment in Babble]
“I was told I ‘didn’t love my baby’, ‘didn’t want to bond with my baby’ and that I had a total disregard ‘for his safety’ [because I don’t co-sleep].” [a comment on a Baby Center blog]
“‘Co-sleeping is incredibly negligent and deadly.'” [Milwaukee’s Anti-Co-Sleeping Campaign]
“I cosleep with my baby because I love her.” [a comment on a Baby Center Blog]
“The only mom that says ‘co-sleeping didn’t work for me’ is the mom that accidentally rolled over on her baby and killed it.” [a comment on a Baby Center blog]
(3) In response to the book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child:
“…is the best baby sleep book on the market.” [Amazon book review]
“…is cruel and unsafe.” [Amazon book review]
(4) In response to the book, Happiest Baby on the Block:
…is “magic.” [Amazon book review]
…is the “worst book on the shelves.” [Amazon book review]
(5) In response to the book, Baby Sleep Book:
…is “a realistic view of baby sleep.” [Amazon book review]
“[Our daughter] died because of the negligent advice on the safety of bedsharing.” [Amazon book review] (This is obviously not an opinion, but a tragic outcome that they are attributing to their commitment to follow a method outlined in this book.)
——–
As Neyer so humorously pointed out, there are so many sleep training methods out there — OF COURSE there are going to be just as many different perspectives (and strong ones at that) among moms regarding the correct method.
Just after I had my first child, I asked several friends and family members for advice on how to get my child to sleep so that I could also get some sleep. Answers ranged from: “Stick to a routine – put her down at the same times every day. It’s ok if she cries — it’ll only be a few days until she gets used to it” to “Let her create her own schedule and tend to her immediately when she cries”. These are two vastly different techniques from individuals who were dead-set on the validity of their methods. Both are loving moms who want what is best for their children.
The “Moms vs. Moms” mentality stretches far beyond the sleep training issue. Can we ban together to put an end to all of the judgment, arguing, and “right-fighting” (thanks, Dr. Phil, for the term)? We all want what is best for our children, and we make our decisions based on that desire. Instead of proclaiming that our choice as the only logical method, we should learn why others made the choices they did. Although we likely won’t change our perspective, we might gain some respect for, or at least understanding of, the choices of our fellow moms.
[polldaddy poll=7060134]
Neyer’s Conglomeration of Expert Sleep Method Contradictions:
“You shouldn’t sleep train at all, before a year, before 6 months, or before 4 months, but if you wait too late, your baby will never be able to sleep without you. College-aged children never need to be nursed, rocked, helped to sleep, so don’t worry about any bad habits. Nursing, rocking, singing, swaddling, etc. to sleep are all bad habits and should be stopped immediately. White noise will help them fall asleep. White noise, heartbeart sounds, etc., don’t work. Naps should only be taken in the bed, never in a swing, carseat, stroller, or when worn. Letting them sleep in the carseat or swing will damage their skulls. If your baby has trouble falling asleep in the bed, put them in a swing, carseat, stroller, or wear them.
Put the baby in a nursery, bed in your room, in your bed. Co-sleeping is the best way to get sleep, except that it can kill your baby, so never ever do it. If your baby doesn’t die, you will need to bedshare until college.
Use the same cues as night: cut lights, keep the house quiet and still. Differentiate naps from nightly sleep by leaving the lights on and making a regular amount of noise. Keep the room warm, but not too warm. Swaddle the baby tightly, but not too tightly. Put them on their back to sleep, but don’t let them be on their backs too long or they will be developmentally delayed. Give them a pacifier to reduce SIDS. Be careful about pacifiers because they can cause nursing problems and stop your baby from sleeping soundly. If your baby sleeps too soundly, they’ll die of SIDS.
Don’t let your baby sleep too long, except when they’ve been napping too much, then you should wake them. Never wake a sleeping baby. Any baby problem can be solved by putting them to bed earlier, even if they are waking up too early. If your baby wakes up too early, put them to bed later or cut out a nap. Don’t let them nap after 5 pm. Sleep begets sleep, so try to get your child to sleep as much as possible. Put the baby to bed awake but drowsy. Don’t wake the baby if it fell asleep while nursing.
You should start a routine and keep track of everything. Not just when they sleep and how long, but how long it has been between sleep, how many naps they’ve had per day, and what you were doing before they slept. Have a set time per day that you put them to bed. Don’t watch the clock. Put them on a schedule. Scheduling will make your life impossible because they will constantly be thrown off of it and you will become a prisoner in your home.
Using CIO will make them think they’ve been abandoned and will be eaten by a lion shortly. It also causes brain damage. Not getting enough sleep will cause behavior and mental problems, so be sure to put them to sleep by any means necessary, especially CIO, which is the most effective form. Extinction CIO is cruel beyond belief and the only thing that truly works because parents are a distraction. The Sleep Lady Shuffle and Ferber method are really CIO in disguise or Controlled Crying and so much better than Extinction. All three of these will prevent your child from ever bonding with you in a healthy way. Bedsharing and gentler forms of settling will cause your child to become too dependent on you.
Topping the baby off before bed will help prevent night wakings. When babies wake at night, it isn’t because they are hungry. If the baby wants to nurse to sleep, press on the baby’s chin to close its mouth. Don’t stop the baby from nursing when asleep because that doesn’t cause a bad habit. Be wary of night feeds. If you respond too quickly with food or comfort, your baby is manipulating you. Babies can’t manipulate. Babies older than six months can manipulate.
Sleep when the baby sleeps. Clean when the baby cleans. Don’t worry. Stress causes your baby stress and a stressed baby won’t sleep.”
To answer your question “why do we openly judge?”: I think it’s a little of all three, with the least amount of emphasis on number two (that there is only one right way of doing something).
Over the past two years, I have spent a lot of time in “mom groups” in life, on FB, and on other websites. And to be perfectly honest, it’s quite hard to always share opinions and have them understood how they are intended. I think the best example of this is with regards to CIO vs. not to CIO. It seems like one of the biggest divides in all of parenting. I still give my opinion on the matter, but try to package my responses in a very comfortable way, because even when a parent asks “what you did to get them to sleep?” I find that more often than not they do not want to hear CIO as an actual option. Having said that, I personally owe my sanity to CIO, but I understand that it’s not for everyone and everyone needs to do what they are comfortable with.
What do others think??? I’d love to hear. 🙂
I completely agree. It’s so great to have our own, strong opinion on these types of issues. If we aren’t convinced, then why are we doing it? However, I also have a cautious way of sharing what methods I use because of the sensitivity (and sometimes, the seemingly over-sensitivity) of other moms.
Also, after researching (not extensive by any means), I discovered that most of the CIO moms used less judgmental verbiage than the co-sleeping moms. Does anyone have an opinion as to why?
And you are absolutely right – we all want what’s best for our kids. Every single one of us is trying to do the right thing. And the bottom line is that the “right thing” is what corresponds with our instincts.
I do love hearing all opinions though, because – you’re also right about this – it helps me to develop personal insight as well as respect for other’s choices.
(sorry for two comments. I read this in parts.) 🙂
I love your summary of contradictions!! That’s exactly how I felt when researching various ways to resolve my daughter’s numerous sleep issues. I finally just gave up and refused to read more books as they made me feel guilty and upset. I think the best thing you can do is pick and choose what advice works best for YOUR child. Every kid is so different so judging others for their approach is just wrong.
I agree. It’s great to be able to explore all of the possibilities for any behavior you’re trying to address because we need to find the action that works with our child’s personality and fits our lifestyle. Everyone is different – different personalities, backgrounds, experiences, goals. So having different methods to choose from is a good thing – and shouldn’t be judged.
When I started the FoCo Mommies meetup group, my number one priority was to meet other moms. But I chose to keep it open to a wide variety of women because I didn’t want to have friends that were all exactly the same. This of course causes a sometimes wider divide on parenting issues. Women have a harder time making friends after becoming a parent because they tend to judge whether they want to be friends with someone off of their parenting methods. I tend to think this is rather shallow and narrow minded.
There are facts in life, sure. But when it comes to parenting methods there are no hard facts really. Every child is different, and every situation is so unique that there is no right or wrong when it comes to most parenting subjects. And yet women are so apt to show case their choices as the “right” choice. Again, I tend to think of this sort of thought process, in all honestly, a lack of intelligence and or consciousness.
The process of sharing parenting methods is about sharing your method in case it may lend support or help to another. The process of judging another parent because of their parenting method is a sign of poor character, and in some ways a superior way of weeding out the type of people you don’t want in your life.
I really loath the tendency of some to judge others without compassion (parents or not). It is vital for us to recognize that what works for some may or may not work for us, and that all that matters is that a parent is doing their very best to raise their child in the best way they know how. No one is an expert on parenting ( not even the “experts”), we are all experts to varying degrees on parenting our children. That’s it.
So it’s best to have compassion in everything you do, or at least try. Support fellow mothers rather then judge them. Don’t give unsolicited advice, but always seek to help in whatever way they need and ask for. And recognize that parenting is not based on facts, it’s based on people. People are flawed, and so will everyone’s parenting be. So will advice. Parenting is about feeling out your child and knowing that your path is not a straight one. You will have to take each moment and lesson as it comes and do whatever you need to do to constantly balance your child as they grow. It’s a long complicated process, that does not come with a how to manual. And that is all the more reason why not judging other parents and embracing our differences, is so important. 😉
Amen, Sista’!
I co-slept with Blake until he was about 8 months old. He was born 7 weeks early & unexpectedly – I had an emergency C-Section after I went into the hospital because I felt him moving less. So I ended up reading a book on Preemies. The book strongly advised attachment parenting, especially for preemies. The book noted that they were taken from the womb early & deserved all the love and attention. It said hold your baby as much as possible, don’t let them cry, and don’t try to put them on a schedule. This worked great for me. I felt very bonded to Blake, which didn’t happen in the beginning, because he spent 3 weeks 2 days in the hospital NICU!
I wanted him to start sleeping in his crib, because I didn’t want him growing up sleeping in my bed. I have heard from a lot of moms that their toddler or even older child still sleeps in bed with them. So at around 8 months I started putting him in his crib and he hated it at first. I let him cry because I knew he was okay. I set the limit to 10 minutes and then went in to let him know it is okay. A few nights I took him out and let him co-sleep again. There were a few rough nights where he cried for what felt like hours. There were a few nights that I sat on the ground by his crib so he could see me and let him hold my hand. It only took about a week to fall asleep in less than 5 minutes! And now he loves his crib. I was so relived and felt like I really accomplished something.
I knew it was the right decision to put him in his room to sleep because it seemed like I had turned into a distraction instead of a comfort at bedtime. I knew that he was okay, so that is why I was okay letting him cry. I set a time limit for my sanity and because I think that is what is best. I didn’t want my baby getting too worked up!
Great story. You’re an awesome example of a mom who followed her instincts with success! I’m so proud of you to follow through with what you felt was best despite hardship or even skepticism from the general public about attachment parenting. I’m so glad it worked out for you and Blake! Sanity is nice, isn’t it? Sanity goes in and out for me. 😉